Peoples of the Internet, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Andrew Jackson, the seventh President of the United States. By the time I was fourteen I had outlived my entire family. My body holds more bullets than your gun. I survived assassination attempts, wars, duels and the death of the only woman I ever loved. My friends call me Ol’ Hickory and my enemies call me Sharp Knife, partly because saying my actual name three times consecutively summons my ghost and partly because I’m just, like, a goddamn badass.
Now, everyone knows I throw an awesome party. We’re talking tubs of alcoholic punch on the White House lawn awesome. Some of you out there may even be attending a party I started back in the 19th century; the Democratic party. Yeah, I started that. And I’m the reason the Democratic party’s symbol is a jackass. Now, I’ve been on a long hiatus from the party scene but I think it’s time to get my balls rolling again and I’m kicking it off with A WHOLE F***ING ROCK SHOW. YEAH. WITH GUITARS AND SHIT. You’re welcome.
I was gonna base the whole thing on how much the Nullification Crisis sucked balls, but then my wife, Rachel, was like, “Andrew, no one gives a shit about politics anymore. All they want is entertainment. And if you say balls in front of the public I am going to kick you in the neck in your sleep.” I’m working on rewrites but I’m either gonna call it Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson or Must Love Dogs. There’s gonna be a band, The Dukes are Dead, and a lot of blood and maybe a librarian and Rachel says she wants to be in it too so there’s that.
I gotta be honest with you, folks. I’m broke right now. The truth is, I came back here to kick ass and raise money and I’m all out of ass. Literally, I’ve kicked everyone’s ass ever. Everyone. Think about that, then stop thinking about it and give me some money. I’ll accept barter too; weasel furs, lumber, large plots of arable land that don’t belong to you, old vinyl, Three Musketeers bars (bite size only please), used jacuzzi water, Slap Chops, coffins, Pogs, DO NOT SEND ANY MORE F*CKING TUPPERWARE, FOR THE LOVE OF F*CK. You can donate money to supply the band with
booze food here.
More posts to come soon. Just figured out how Youtube works. Does anyone else hate Vevo?
AJ and Rachel