Andrew Jackson’s Second Blog, or Filling the Space Between Profanities

Jackson here.

American presidents have to stick by a lot of tough goddamn decisions, and I’m often asked by my wife how I could force so much “back-asswards, xenophobic policy pigfuckery” on the Indians, the National Bank, various states and territories, the Legislative and Judicial branches of government and the American people in general. Conquering large swaths of continent ain’t always easy, folks, especially when you’re attempting to usher in a shiny new era of populism in direct opposition to a fully feckless Congress, fiscally manic Washington aristocrats and an entire race of people whose most enduring legacy to this country is leather fringe and fucking rain sticks.

Pictured here; a fucking rain stick.

Keeping America safe is about keeping America informed. Information is what puts food in our mouths, bullets in our guns and freedom in our mouths and our guns. Despite the media’s misinterpretation of the facts about me, I trust the public eye will see me for what I am. Everyone makes mistakes; everyone has a little blood on their hands, everyone feels a little guilty watching the commercial with the Indian crying because someone threw food on his moccasins.

Maybe I’ve been hasty in my decisions for the sake of this country, maybe the Trail of Tears amounts to genocide and a gross misappropriation of executive power, but the important thing is fuck youAndrew Jackson doesn’t just do the will of the people, he is the will of the people. Listen. I’m a flawed guy, admittedly, and that’s why I’m doing this whole Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson thing. Now, more than ever, the American people should understand the current politics of their nation, the politics that can be traced through the long colon of American history, all the way back to my ass, which is where I pulled them out of in the first goddamn place.

Entertainment is the key to reaching the masses, and though my usual way to the heart of a person is by shooting it with bullets, the way to the heart of a civilized people is through art, through the theatre. Because I’m also a person, a really sensitive person. Plus, Rachel is getting tired of my war stories and bedtime roleplay requests.

"Let's cut each other with my knife. Just the tip."

Really hope she doesn’t read this blog.

Essentially, the goal here is just to entertain the masses. Stuff got hella complicated when I tried to actually change this country and it looks like things aren’t getting any easier. Hate-mongering politishits have only gotten politishittier and there’s no room in the modern world for me, a man of ideas so old they predate the Democratic party. Example; I had some minor issues with the way the banking industry made its profits at the expense of the American people, so I shut it down. Really, honestly, does the idea of revamping a corrupt American banking system resonate with anyone anymore?

Thought not.

It seems like politicians have either pumped my ideas full of bovine steroids or forgot about them entirely. Every precedent I set has either been swept under the rug or expanded to the point of absolute cock-boggling absurdity. Even I didn’t see the Patriot Act coming, and I invented the idea of an uberpowered executive branch.

I’m just spitballing here, but when was the last time a new party asserted itself in this country? Come on, people. Kowtowing to the Washington elite isn’t only unpatriotic, it’s goddamn boring. Can’t believe I’m writing this, but I’m starting to miss the frontier. Hell, at least you could smoke inside in 1828.

Everybody out there in cyberspace, listen up. Even if politics aren’t your thing, even if you don’t like music, even if you’re not a human, come see Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson. Sex, rock n’ roll, war, leather, weasels; this show is everything you never knew you always wanted. Everything and more.

Meet Jason Podplesky

What role are you playing in the show?
Anton [They keep forgetting about Abe]

How long have you been acting?
All my life. My mother is also an actress so I grew up in a theatre.

Have you been in a show at Know Theatre before?
No, this is my first.

Who was the first politician you voted for?
Bill Clinton

What was the first play you ever saw?
Jesus Christ Superstar

If train A leaves Boston travelling south at 110mph against a prevailing wind with gusts upwards of 75mph and train B leaves Birmingham travelling northeast at 150mph with a steady breeze at its back, which train is more FABU-LOUS!?
I always believe in taking the A train.

Was Abraham Lincoln gay?
You betcha!

What is your favorite color (other than Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Green, Purple, and Pink)?
Black.

After a long day at work I like to…
go to rehearsal

What is your alcoholic beverage of choice?
Yuengling Beer

Do you enjoy big, gay dancing?
I do indeed.

You’re stuck on a desert island for the rest of your life. There’s plenty of food and water and, heck, maybe even satellite TV – BUT, you can only wear one of the following outfits for the entirety of your stay: A child’s Halloween cowboy costume, a wet-suit, a Santa Claus outfit, or your Birthday suit.
I would need a few clarifications before answering. Does the cowboy costume come with a gun? Would I have to wear the beard with the Santa outfit? Is this a tropical climate, as I chafe in very humid weather.

What’s your favorite kind of pie?
Free.

Corn: On the cob or off?
On. Definitely. Unless its creamed. I love me some cream corn.

What was the name of the play Abraham Lincoln was watching when he was assassinated?
Our American Cousin by Tom Taylor. (Thank you google.)

Have you ever stood in the middle of a field and looked up at the stars?
Yes. I was flat on my back at the time 😉

If you could say one thing to Abraham Lincoln, what would it be?
Beware of actors with guns.

How often do you sneeze?
Fairly regularly. Every day I suspect. I sneeze in 2’s.

2 + 2 = ?
5

Meet Robert Pavlovich

What role are you playing in the show?
I’m playing Tom Hauser and internet news-maven, Walter. [He forgot Abe]

How long have you been acting?
NYE onto 35 years.

Have you been in a show at Know Theatre before?
Yes, Eurydice and Adding Machine: A Musical

Who was the first politician you voted for?
Jimmy Carter.

Who was the first homosexual person you ever met?
My English Lit teacher in high school. He gave me my love of Shakespeare and theatre in general.

What was the first play you ever saw?
When ya’ comin’ back, Red Ryder?

If train A leaves Boston travelling south at 110mph against a prevailing wind with gusts upwards of 75mph and train B leaves Birmingham travelling northeast at 150mph with a steady breeze at its back, which train is more FABU-LOUS!?
The one carrying Abraham Lincoln to Springfield.

Was Abraham Lincoln gay?
It doesn’t matter.

What is your favorite color (other than Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Green, Purple, and Pink)?
Burnt umber.

After a long day at work I like to…
Wonder where I’ve been.

What is your alcoholic beverage of choice?
Maker’s Mark, one cube of ice, and a glass.

Do you enjoy big, gay dancing?
Yes, but I haven’t mastered dancing like no one is watching – YET!

What’s your favorite kind of pie?
Lemon Meringue

Corn: On the cob or off? 
ON

What was the name of the play Abraham Lincoln was watching when he was assassinated?
Our American Cousin with Laura Keene, one of the first powerful women producers in the U.S.

Have you ever stood in the middle of a field and looked up at the stars?
Yes, but not often enough.

If you could say one thing to Abraham Lincoln, what would it be?
DUCK!

2 + 2 = ? 
HOW RIGID

Finish these song lyrics:  Don’t hide yourself in regret/Just love yourself and you’re set/I’m on the right track, baby…
I WAS BORN THIS WAY!!!!!

Why should people come see Abraham Lincoln’s Big Gay Dance Party?
In this political season, and when it is not, Abraham Lincoln’s Big Gay Dance Party speaks to the fervent wish most of us have – the re-humanizing of political discourse.

Meet Kellen York

As the cast and crew prepare to open Abraham Lincoln’s Big Gay Dance Party in a few weeks, we wanted to take the time to introduce you to the cast members of the production.

What role are you playing in the show?
Jerry. Bailiff. Thomas Jefferson. Abe.
How long have you been acting?
Ten years.

Have you been in a show at Know Theatre before?
I had a line in As White As O, by Stacy Sims. It was “Holy shit,” or something like that.

Who was the first politician you voted for?
Nixon.

Who was the first homosexual person you ever met?
Kinsey scale.

What was the first play you ever saw?
Company.

If train A leaves Boston travelling south at 110mph against a prevailing wind with gusts upwards of 75mph and train B leaves Birmingham travelling northeast at 150mph with a steady breeze at its back, which train is more FABU-LOUS!?
The Boston train. What am I, foreign?

Was Abraham Lincoln gay?
Kinsey scale.

What is your favorite color (other than Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Green, Purple, and Pink)?
Chartreuse.

After a long day at work I like to…
Answer questionnaires about work.

What is your alcoholic beverage of choice?
Johnny Walker Red double. Neat.

Do you enjoy big, gay dancing?
No.

What’s your favorite kind of pie?
Chicken Tikka Masala. Yeah, seriously.

Corn: On the cob or off?
On to look at, off to eat.

What was the name of the play Abraham Lincoln was watching when he was assassinated?
Our American Cousin. Yes, I googled it. Yes, I’m ashamed.

Have you ever stood in the middle of a field and looked up at the stars?
Yes.

If you could say one thing to Abraham Lincoln, what would it be?
Duck.

How often do you sneeze?
Not as often as I’d like.

Why should people come see Abraham Lincoln’s Big Gay Dance Party?
Because I’m obviously very, very funny and clever. And so is the director and the rest of the cast. And there’s pie.

Meet Torie Wiggins

As the cast and crew prepare to open Abraham Lincoln’s Big Gay Dance Party in a few weeks, we wanted to take the time to introduce you to the cast members of the production.

Torie Wiggins

What role are you playing in the show?
Esmerelda, Regina, and Abe

How long have you been acting?
Since I was 2 years old

Have you been in a show at Know Theatre before?
Nope, this is my first [Torie did perform her one woman show Your Negro Tour Guide at the 2008 Cincinnati Fringe Festival]

Who was the first politician you voted for?
Clinton

Who was the first homosexual person you ever met?
My cousin

What was the first play you ever saw?
Something with talking deer…can’t recall the details

If train A leaves Boston travelling south at 110mph against a prevailing wind with gusts upwards of 75mph and train B leaves Birmingham travelling northeast at 150mph with a steady breeze at its back, which train is more FABU-LOUS!? 
Uhhh…the train to Funky Town?!?!?

Was Abraham Lincoln gay?
Probably

What is your favorite color (other than Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Green, Purple, and Pink)?
BROWN

After a long day at work I like to…
Drink a 24 oz. glass of wine

What is your alcoholic beverage of choice?
Wine

Do you enjoy big, gay dancing?
Sure

What’s your favorite kind of pie?
Chess Pie

Corn: On the cob or off?
OFF

What was the name of the play Abraham Lincoln was watching when he was assassinated?
Ummm…Much Ado About Nothing?

Have you ever stood in the middle of a field and looked up at the stars?
Yep

If you could say one thing to Abraham Lincoln, what would it be?
Thanks for the freedom homie.

How often do you sneeze?
At least once a week

Why should people come see Abraham Lincoln’s Big Gay Dance Party?
Its fun.

Thank goodness for…

Hey, Sadie here. I will try not to divulge TOO much personal information on this professional blog, but you guys. Seriously. A key biographical fact in the persona of this particular Education Manager is that I love grocery shopping more than almost any other possible activity. I love thinking about food, I love looking at food, I love selecting food, purchasing food, preparing food and eating food. Thus, imagine my delight when, as kind of a surprise workday windfall, I somehow found myself at an area mega supermarket with my area mega boss, MD Eric.

Our task was simple. We were shopping for provisions for the impending end of the world.

We were actually shopping for set dressing for the impending opening of “Boom.” The assignment was to find and purchase food that would last a long time, would appeal to graduate student sensibilities, was in quantities large enough to support the first few years of the planet’s repopulation, and, hopefully, was funny. What food(like) item meets all of those criteria? Pretty much one thing and one thing only–Beefaroni.

Beefaroni!Just say the word. You know it’s hilarious.

In attempt to comply with the set’s measurements we had to carefully calculate quantities of Beefaroni, so here is Eric in a completely unstaged photo, measuring Beefaroni against the floor tiles in the Beefaroni aisle. I believe we ended up with about 12 cans of Beefaroni; industrial size.  Because the only thing funnier than Beefaroni is really big Beefaroni.

We checked out with Beefaroni, Cheerios, Ramen noodles, Beefaroni, saltine crackers, Beefaroni and I think that’s it. I am personally looking forward to busting into those boxes of Cheerios when the day comes that we have to strike the set. Not the Beefaroni though; I think even if the world ended and it was all that was left I couldn’t eat Beefaroni–that stuff is disgusting.

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